Affirmations and Regrets
by Tauriosiris
Summary: Buffy's POV after Season 2's finale "Becoming Pt.2" up to and including Season 3 finale "Graduation Pt.2". Contains spoilers for various episodes during Season 3. Contains Lyrics from Savage Garden's "Affirmations".


_I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned_

As the bus pulled up she sighed again. Her eyes filled with sorrow, she climbed on, saying goodbye to everything she had held dear to her heart. She knew there was no going back. She couldn't face them, she couldn't tell them of the pain that was ripping through her heart. How would they react?

The bus departed once everyone was on board. It didn't take long before they were heading towards LA; there was only a handful of people on the bus. How many people would travel across the country, alone, at 4am? No one gave her a second glance however, as she stared out of the window of the bus, her green eyes deep in remembering. As she made a mental goodbye to her love, a single tear rolled down her cheek. Slayers weren't meant to have friends, let alone lovers, so... was this her punishment? To leave Sunnydale, her mother, friends and her angel. To never see them again?

-----------------------

_I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone_

Lily and Ritchie had been right. Forever was the point. She couldn't let go of her past, it just kept following her, catching up to her. She would always be The Slayer. The only one who could protect the world against the Vampires and other nasty little things that go "bump" in the night.

Her heart ached to hear their voices again. Most of all, she wanted forgiveness. Forgiveness for leaving, for not calling, but also for not telling her mother the truth. She wished she had told her sooner - told her of her destiny as The Slayer. Maybe she could've helped? In the weeks after Angel changed, all she wanted was to be held. She couldn't ask for comfort from Giles or Xander or even Willow. They were too angry because of Angel. Xander never liked him in the first place. But now... they hated Angel more than ever. Buffy wished she could hate him as much as they did, but she just couldn't. The pain in her chest, caused by loss and guilt, was too much to even consider letting her hate him as well.

As she packed her bags, again she thought of her mother. The last time they spoke she nearly ended up in tears. Her mother warned her that if she left the house that night, she needn't return. Buffy took her up on her offer. She didn't go back. She stopped to grab clothes and to leave a note while her mother was sleeping, but she didn't stay long enough to chat. She was beginning to regret her decision. No, scratch that. She did regret her decision. But would her mom and friends accept her apology and welcome her back?

_I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side  
I believe you don't know what you've got till you say goodbye_

-----------------------

_I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do  
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness_

It felt so good when the door opened and there stood her mother. She tried to relax but she couldn't help holding her breath. But when she was swept up in a loving embrace, she knew her mom was please to see her. The fact was - she was home.

-----------------------

_I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned_

When Angel came back she didn't know how to feel. She'd wanted his voice to soothe her pain and wash away her worries for so long, and longed for the tender touch of his lips against hers. Oddly though, when he returned to her, all she wanted to do was to look into his eyes. Those deep brown pools that showed only sadness, when he was alone, shone brightly with love and pride when Buffy was near him. She felt comforted by the never-ending light she could see in them. Although Angel didn't agree, she said they were the windows to his soul - and that no creature of evil could have such beautiful eyes. When he returned she could see the same light in them in them that she had seen so many times before, when she would sit and listen to him read to her in his apartment. He knew the words off by heart and so closed his eyes while reciting her favourite passages. Even though she couldn't see his eyes, she could still see the light. It shone brighter than ever when they sat there together in the dark. She never gave up hope when she saw him again. She cared for him, and waited till he remembered her... remembered her love for him.

_I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul_

Her relationship with Angel was getting harder. The fact that he had tried to kill her before his soul was restored, was ripping it apart, as well as Angel himself. The mental torture he went through was immense and it was making it harder for Buffy to see him. All she wanted was for him to talk to her, but she knew it would only make things worse. For once, talking wouldn't help a relationship. He felt worse when he revealed things about himself, and his past. It brought up too many bad memories for both of them. The bad memories resurfaced though. Angel went through so much that he realised, with a little help from he mom, that he couldn't see Buffy. The anguish they both felt about each other was too much of an obstacle for them to overcome. Buffy wanted to see Angel more than anything but she could see that he was becoming more and more withdrawn. She knew he was tearing himself up inside. The fact that he couldn't go as far with the relationship as he wanted was too much for him. He decided to leave. He hurt her more than he knew when he left. She needed him. But she felt as though he had abandoned her. When he disappeared out of her life it fell apart. He was the only one who understood her properly, the only one who could make sense when everything else was turned upside down.

She knew he was right. They couldn't be together. Giles was wrong when he said a vampire in love with a Slayer was poetic. It wasn't poetic... it was just dangerous. One mistake and it could cost them their lives. Angel would turn on Buffy again, and this time she might not make it back. Or perhaps she would have to kill Angel for a second time. She knew that if she had to do it again, the guilt would be unbearable. She couldn't live without him. But what of her friends? He could hurt them like he planned last time. She couldn't let him do that. No matter how hard it was she had to let him go. Go and find his destiny. She had her own here in Sunnydale, but he wasn't to be part of it. He was her soul mate. But fate had made a mistake. They couldn't be together. For now.

_I believe in love surviving death into eternity_


End file.
